Face to Face: Why Relationships Matter to Jesus
Face to Face: Why Relationships Matter to Jesus
Community Is Not a Commodity
Matthew 18:15–35
We love the good things about community: belonging, friendship, encouragement, and support. We love finding people who share our interests and experiences. Whether it's a life group, a church, a circle of friends, or even a group of parents who get together regularly, being part of a community can be a wonderful thing.
But here's something important to remember: Community is not a commodity.
It's easy to love community when everything is going well. When relationships are strong, friendships are enjoyable, and everyone seems to get along, community feels like something worth celebrating.
But what happens when things get difficult? What happens when conflict arises, relationships become strained, or someone disappoints us?
Too often, when community becomes inconvenient, we're tempted to put it on a shelf and look for something else.
In Matthew 18, Jesus gives us a picture of the community He desires for His Church. He doesn't envision a gathering of people who simply share similar interests or get along easily. He sees a kingdom—a community of people gathered together through Him.
But Jesus also understands something important: We are broken people. Sin, hurt, and broken relationships threaten the very community He is building.
And that's why this passage matters so much.
Sin is personal, but it's never private. And forgiveness is personal, but it's never meant to be private either.
People Matter to Jesus
Early in my ministry, I served at a church in Memphis, Tennessee, where I spent much of my time working with youth ministry.
It was an exciting season. Students were connecting with one another, inviting their friends, studying the Bible, and growing in their faith. Our youth group was growing, and there was a lot of great momentum.
At one event, two girls from different schools met and quickly became best friends. Their friendship grew, and they began learning more about God's love together. One day, they approached me with some exciting news: They wanted to get baptized together!
What a wonderful moment. Both girls were baptized on the same Sunday, surrounded by their friends and youth group celebrating with them.
But then something unexpected happened.
Attendance began to decline. Students gradually stopped participating, and people quietly started leaving the group text. I couldn't figure out what had changed. Things had been going so well!
Eventually, I asked one of our student leaders what was happening.
She explained that the two girls who had been baptized together had experienced a conflict. One had started dating a boy, and the other didn't approve of the relationship. Their friendship deteriorated, and eventually one of the girls left the youth group and started attending another church.
What struck me was that everyone seemed to know what was happening, but nobody wanted to address it.
Everyone was willing to talk about the problem, but no one wanted to help resolve it.
After 11 years in ministry, I've realized something: We don't really outgrow youth group. We just get older and start paying taxes. The same relational struggles follow us into adulthood.
We experience them in our friendships, marriages, families, workplaces, life groups, and churches.
But Jesus shows us that these relationships matter.
At the beginning of Matthew 18, Jesus describes the kind of community He wants His followers to become. He brings a child into their midst and teaches them about humility and the value of the vulnerable. He warns against causing others to stumble and tells the story of a shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine sheep to pursue the one that has wandered away.
Why?
Because people matter to Jesus.
He pursues those who are lost, hurting, and vulnerable. He doesn't simply wait for them to find their way back. He moves toward them.
And if people matter to Jesus, then our relationships with people matter to Him, too.
Stop Talking About People and Start Talking To Them
In Matthew 18:15, Jesus gives us a very practical instruction:
"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."
Notice what Jesus tells us to do.
Go to the person.
Too often, it's easier to talk about someone than to talk to them. It's easier to discuss the problem with everyone else, replay the situation in our minds, or share our frustration with friends than it is to have an honest conversation with the person involved.
But Jesus calls us to something different.
He tells us to approach the person directly, privately, and with the hope of restoring the relationship.
One of the most important words in this passage is "gained." Jesus says that if the person listens, you have gained your brother or sister.
The goal isn't to win an argument. It's not to prove that you're right or make the other person feel bad. The goal is to regain something valuable: a restored relationship.
Think about the shepherd who goes after the one lost sheep. That is the same heart Jesus wants us to have toward the people in our lives.
We don't approach someone in conflict because we want to defeat them. We approach them because they matter to Jesus, and the relationship matters to Him.
When Reconciliation Doesn't Happen Immediately
Jesus continues in Matthew 18 by explaining what to do when someone refuses to listen.
If the private conversation doesn't bring resolution, Jesus instructs us to take one or two others along. If the person still refuses to listen, the matter is brought before the church.
This is a difficult teaching, but it's important to understand the heart behind it.
Jesus is describing a situation in which someone continues in sin and refuses to acknowledge or turn away from it, even after others have lovingly approached them.
This process is often called church discipline, and the phrase can sound intimidating.
But the purpose of church discipline is restoration.
It's not about canceling someone, shaming them, or making an example of them. It's about taking sin seriously because sin damages people and communities. The hope is that the person will recognize the harm, turn from their actions, and be restored to the community.
And even when someone refuses to listen, that doesn't mean we abandon all hope for them.
Think about Jesus' own ministry. He continually reached out to people who rejected Him. He taught, healed, loved, and continued offering an invitation to those who had turned away.
That should be our posture, too.
We must be honest about sin and the harm it causes, while never losing sight of the person behind it.
This process is not a substitute for seeking help from appropriate authorities in situations involving abuse or other matters that require outside intervention. Those situations must be taken seriously and handled appropriately.
But in the everyday conflicts, disagreements, gossip, and relational brokenness that can develop within a community, Jesus calls us to pursue restoration rather than simply walking away.
Jesus Is Present Even in the Middle of Conflict
After describing this process, Jesus makes an extraordinary promise:
"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." (Matthew 18:20)
This is a verse many of us know, and we often associate it with people gathering together for worship or prayer.
But look at the context.
Jesus says these words while teaching about conflict, sin, and broken relationships.
He isn't promising that everything will always work out perfectly when Christians gather. He's promising that He is present with us, even in the middle of difficult conversations and strained relationships.
That changes the way we approach conflict.
Jesus also says that we gather in His name. His name isn't simply something we use in conversation. It's the name placed upon us in our baptism. It's our identity as people who belong to Him.
When we walk into a difficult conversation, we carry that identity with us.
When we approach someone who has hurt us, when we seek to restore a relationship, and when we extend forgiveness, we do so as people who bear the name of Jesus.
And that means our behavior should reflect His character.
Jesus fought for us. He gave Himself for us so that we could belong to Him and become part of His kingdom. He expects us to reflect that same love and concern for others.
Our disagreements don't change the value of the people around us.
Jesus fights for community, even when we find it inconvenient.
We Have Been Forgiven an Unpayable Debt
After Jesus finishes teaching about reconciliation, Peter asks a question that many of us have probably wondered:
"Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" (Matthew 18:21)
Peter is essentially asking where the limit is. How many times should we forgive someone who keeps hurting us?
Jesus responds with a number that communicates an extraordinary amount of forgiveness—seventy-seven times, or seventy times seven, depending on the translation.
In other words, forgiveness isn't something we keep track of with a tally sheet.
Then Jesus tells the parable of the unforgiving servant.
A king has a servant who owes him an enormous amount of money—an amount so great that it would be impossible for the servant to repay it.
The servant begs the king for more time, promising to repay everything. But the king does something unexpected. Rather than simply giving him more time, he cancels the entire debt.
The servant is completely forgiven.
But then that same servant encounters someone who owes him a much smaller amount of money. Instead of showing the same mercy he received, he grabs the man, demands repayment, and has him thrown into prison.
When the king hears what happened, he is furious.
The servant had received extraordinary mercy but refused to extend that mercy to someone else.
And this is where the story becomes personal.
How often do we receive grace from God while struggling to extend grace to the people around us?
How often do we remember the ways others have hurt us while forgetting the enormous debt of sin that Jesus has forgiven in us?
We cannot fully understand the mercy we've received from God and continue treating others as though they owe us something.
Jesus Doesn't Just Teach Forgiveness. He Demonstrates It.
There's another important connection in this passage.
Peter, the very disciple who asks Jesus how many times he must forgive, would soon experience the extraordinary forgiveness of Jesus himself.
When Jesus was arrested and put on trial, Peter denied knowing Him three times.
Think about that for a moment. Peter had spent years following Jesus. He had witnessed His miracles, heard His teaching, and experienced His love firsthand. Yet when the pressure was on, Peter denied Him.
But Jesus didn't abandon Peter.
After His resurrection, Jesus meets with His disciples in John 21. He shares a meal with them and then pulls Peter aside for a personal conversation.
Jesus restores Peter's relationship with Him. He forgives him and gives him a renewed purpose.
Three times Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him, and three times Peter responds. Jesus then tells him:
"Feed my sheep." (John 21:17)
In other words, Jesus is telling Peter to care for the people who belong to Him.
Peter had received extraordinary mercy, and now he was being called to extend that mercy to others.
This is the heart of the Christian community.
We don't forgive because people always deserve it. We forgive because we have been forgiven.
We don't pursue reconciliation because it's always easy. We do it because Jesus pursued us.
And we don't fight for community because every relationship is convenient. We fight for community because Jesus first fought for us.
Three Questions to Consider
As we think about our relationships, especially as we approach seasons when families and friends gather together, there are three questions worth taking with us.
That step might be an honest conversation. It might be an apology. It might be extending forgiveness. And in some situations, it might mean seeking help from someone who can guide you through a difficult relationship.
Whatever that step looks like, remember that Jesus is present with us, even in the middle of conflict.
We Fight for Community Because Jesus First Fought for Us
Community is easy to celebrate when everything is going well. But the true strength of Christian community is revealed when relationships become difficult.
Jesus doesn't call us to abandon one another at the first sign of conflict. He calls us to pursue one another with humility, honesty, grace, and forgiveness.
He reminds us that people matter. Our relationships matter. And the community He is building is worth fighting for.
Most importantly, we don't do this on our own strength. We do it because Jesus has already shown us what love, mercy, and forgiveness look like.
He pursued us when we were lost. He forgave us when we could never repay our debt. He restored us and welcomed us into His family.
Now He calls us to extend that same mercy to others.
We fight for our community because Jesus first fought for us.
Community Is Not a Commodity
Matthew 18:15–35
We love the good things about community: belonging, friendship, encouragement, and support. We love finding people who share our interests and experiences. Whether it's a life group, a church, a circle of friends, or even a group of parents who get together regularly, being part of a community can be a wonderful thing.
But here's something important to remember: Community is not a commodity.
It's easy to love community when everything is going well. When relationships are strong, friendships are enjoyable, and everyone seems to get along, community feels like something worth celebrating.
But what happens when things get difficult? What happens when conflict arises, relationships become strained, or someone disappoints us?
Too often, when community becomes inconvenient, we're tempted to put it on a shelf and look for something else.
In Matthew 18, Jesus gives us a picture of the community He desires for His Church. He doesn't envision a gathering of people who simply share similar interests or get along easily. He sees a kingdom—a community of people gathered together through Him.
But Jesus also understands something important: We are broken people. Sin, hurt, and broken relationships threaten the very community He is building.
And that's why this passage matters so much.
Sin is personal, but it's never private. And forgiveness is personal, but it's never meant to be private either.
People Matter to Jesus
Early in my ministry, I served at a church in Memphis, Tennessee, where I spent much of my time working with youth ministry.
It was an exciting season. Students were connecting with one another, inviting their friends, studying the Bible, and growing in their faith. Our youth group was growing, and there was a lot of great momentum.
At one event, two girls from different schools met and quickly became best friends. Their friendship grew, and they began learning more about God's love together. One day, they approached me with some exciting news: They wanted to get baptized together!
What a wonderful moment. Both girls were baptized on the same Sunday, surrounded by their friends and youth group celebrating with them.
But then something unexpected happened.
Attendance began to decline. Students gradually stopped participating, and people quietly started leaving the group text. I couldn't figure out what had changed. Things had been going so well!
Eventually, I asked one of our student leaders what was happening.
She explained that the two girls who had been baptized together had experienced a conflict. One had started dating a boy, and the other didn't approve of the relationship. Their friendship deteriorated, and eventually one of the girls left the youth group and started attending another church.
What struck me was that everyone seemed to know what was happening, but nobody wanted to address it.
Everyone was willing to talk about the problem, but no one wanted to help resolve it.
After 11 years in ministry, I've realized something: We don't really outgrow youth group. We just get older and start paying taxes. The same relational struggles follow us into adulthood.
We experience them in our friendships, marriages, families, workplaces, life groups, and churches.
But Jesus shows us that these relationships matter.
At the beginning of Matthew 18, Jesus describes the kind of community He wants His followers to become. He brings a child into their midst and teaches them about humility and the value of the vulnerable. He warns against causing others to stumble and tells the story of a shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine sheep to pursue the one that has wandered away.
Why?
Because people matter to Jesus.
He pursues those who are lost, hurting, and vulnerable. He doesn't simply wait for them to find their way back. He moves toward them.
And if people matter to Jesus, then our relationships with people matter to Him, too.
Stop Talking About People and Start Talking To Them
In Matthew 18:15, Jesus gives us a very practical instruction:
"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."
Notice what Jesus tells us to do.
Go to the person.
Too often, it's easier to talk about someone than to talk to them. It's easier to discuss the problem with everyone else, replay the situation in our minds, or share our frustration with friends than it is to have an honest conversation with the person involved.
But Jesus calls us to something different.
He tells us to approach the person directly, privately, and with the hope of restoring the relationship.
One of the most important words in this passage is "gained." Jesus says that if the person listens, you have gained your brother or sister.
The goal isn't to win an argument. It's not to prove that you're right or make the other person feel bad. The goal is to regain something valuable: a restored relationship.
Think about the shepherd who goes after the one lost sheep. That is the same heart Jesus wants us to have toward the people in our lives.
We don't approach someone in conflict because we want to defeat them. We approach them because they matter to Jesus, and the relationship matters to Him.
When Reconciliation Doesn't Happen Immediately
Jesus continues in Matthew 18 by explaining what to do when someone refuses to listen.
If the private conversation doesn't bring resolution, Jesus instructs us to take one or two others along. If the person still refuses to listen, the matter is brought before the church.
This is a difficult teaching, but it's important to understand the heart behind it.
Jesus is describing a situation in which someone continues in sin and refuses to acknowledge or turn away from it, even after others have lovingly approached them.
This process is often called church discipline, and the phrase can sound intimidating.
But the purpose of church discipline is restoration.
It's not about canceling someone, shaming them, or making an example of them. It's about taking sin seriously because sin damages people and communities. The hope is that the person will recognize the harm, turn from their actions, and be restored to the community.
And even when someone refuses to listen, that doesn't mean we abandon all hope for them.
Think about Jesus' own ministry. He continually reached out to people who rejected Him. He taught, healed, loved, and continued offering an invitation to those who had turned away.
That should be our posture, too.
We must be honest about sin and the harm it causes, while never losing sight of the person behind it.
This process is not a substitute for seeking help from appropriate authorities in situations involving abuse or other matters that require outside intervention. Those situations must be taken seriously and handled appropriately.
But in the everyday conflicts, disagreements, gossip, and relational brokenness that can develop within a community, Jesus calls us to pursue restoration rather than simply walking away.
Jesus Is Present Even in the Middle of Conflict
After describing this process, Jesus makes an extraordinary promise:
"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." (Matthew 18:20)
This is a verse many of us know, and we often associate it with people gathering together for worship or prayer.
But look at the context.
Jesus says these words while teaching about conflict, sin, and broken relationships.
He isn't promising that everything will always work out perfectly when Christians gather. He's promising that He is present with us, even in the middle of difficult conversations and strained relationships.
That changes the way we approach conflict.
Jesus also says that we gather in His name. His name isn't simply something we use in conversation. It's the name placed upon us in our baptism. It's our identity as people who belong to Him.
When we walk into a difficult conversation, we carry that identity with us.
When we approach someone who has hurt us, when we seek to restore a relationship, and when we extend forgiveness, we do so as people who bear the name of Jesus.
And that means our behavior should reflect His character.
Jesus fought for us. He gave Himself for us so that we could belong to Him and become part of His kingdom. He expects us to reflect that same love and concern for others.
Our disagreements don't change the value of the people around us.
Jesus fights for community, even when we find it inconvenient.
We Have Been Forgiven an Unpayable Debt
After Jesus finishes teaching about reconciliation, Peter asks a question that many of us have probably wondered:
"Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" (Matthew 18:21)
Peter is essentially asking where the limit is. How many times should we forgive someone who keeps hurting us?
Jesus responds with a number that communicates an extraordinary amount of forgiveness—seventy-seven times, or seventy times seven, depending on the translation.
In other words, forgiveness isn't something we keep track of with a tally sheet.
Then Jesus tells the parable of the unforgiving servant.
A king has a servant who owes him an enormous amount of money—an amount so great that it would be impossible for the servant to repay it.
The servant begs the king for more time, promising to repay everything. But the king does something unexpected. Rather than simply giving him more time, he cancels the entire debt.
The servant is completely forgiven.
But then that same servant encounters someone who owes him a much smaller amount of money. Instead of showing the same mercy he received, he grabs the man, demands repayment, and has him thrown into prison.
When the king hears what happened, he is furious.
The servant had received extraordinary mercy but refused to extend that mercy to someone else.
And this is where the story becomes personal.
How often do we receive grace from God while struggling to extend grace to the people around us?
How often do we remember the ways others have hurt us while forgetting the enormous debt of sin that Jesus has forgiven in us?
We cannot fully understand the mercy we've received from God and continue treating others as though they owe us something.
Jesus Doesn't Just Teach Forgiveness. He Demonstrates It.
There's another important connection in this passage.
Peter, the very disciple who asks Jesus how many times he must forgive, would soon experience the extraordinary forgiveness of Jesus himself.
When Jesus was arrested and put on trial, Peter denied knowing Him three times.
Think about that for a moment. Peter had spent years following Jesus. He had witnessed His miracles, heard His teaching, and experienced His love firsthand. Yet when the pressure was on, Peter denied Him.
But Jesus didn't abandon Peter.
After His resurrection, Jesus meets with His disciples in John 21. He shares a meal with them and then pulls Peter aside for a personal conversation.
Jesus restores Peter's relationship with Him. He forgives him and gives him a renewed purpose.
Three times Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him, and three times Peter responds. Jesus then tells him:
"Feed my sheep." (John 21:17)
In other words, Jesus is telling Peter to care for the people who belong to Him.
Peter had received extraordinary mercy, and now he was being called to extend that mercy to others.
This is the heart of the Christian community.
We don't forgive because people always deserve it. We forgive because we have been forgiven.
We don't pursue reconciliation because it's always easy. We do it because Jesus pursued us.
And we don't fight for community because every relationship is convenient. We fight for community because Jesus first fought for us.
Three Questions to Consider
As we think about our relationships, especially as we approach seasons when families and friends gather together, there are three questions worth taking with us.
- Who have you been talking about instead of talking to?
Is there someone you've been discussing with others rather than approaching directly? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding? - Who have you written off because the relationship became inconvenient?
Have you decided that a friendship, family relationship, or connection within your church is no longer worth pursuing? - Is there someone you need to approach, apologize to, or forgive?
Is there a relationship where you need to take the first step toward healing?
That step might be an honest conversation. It might be an apology. It might be extending forgiveness. And in some situations, it might mean seeking help from someone who can guide you through a difficult relationship.
Whatever that step looks like, remember that Jesus is present with us, even in the middle of conflict.
We Fight for Community Because Jesus First Fought for Us
Community is easy to celebrate when everything is going well. But the true strength of Christian community is revealed when relationships become difficult.
Jesus doesn't call us to abandon one another at the first sign of conflict. He calls us to pursue one another with humility, honesty, grace, and forgiveness.
He reminds us that people matter. Our relationships matter. And the community He is building is worth fighting for.
Most importantly, we don't do this on our own strength. We do it because Jesus has already shown us what love, mercy, and forgiveness look like.
He pursued us when we were lost. He forgave us when we could never repay our debt. He restored us and welcomed us into His family.
Now He calls us to extend that same mercy to others.
We fight for our community because Jesus first fought for us.
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